Lyrics copyright by Jeff Witmer
May sing to the tune of "Desperado" (The Eagles)

Statistician, why don't you come to your senses
Your boxplots use fences, outliers to find
Take observations, stratified samples or surveys
But when you experiment, use a double-blind

Don't you draw unlabeled axes now, or think about a line plot
You know a scatterplot is always your best bet
Now it seems to me some areas can be found in your Z table
But you only want to use the internet

Statistician, oh you ain't getting the answer
The pain of a chi-square is driving you home
Degrees of freedom, well that just Bill Gosset talking
Your fingers are walking through t tables alone

Don't placebos help when effects confound
Your power's up and your alpha's down
And it's hard to tell a treatment from control T
rimming all your highs and lows,
the median must be the way to go

Statistician, you should be taking a census
Your samples are messy, so throw them away
It may be hard now, but there's a Bayesian above you
You better let the CAUSE web love
(You better let the CAUSE web love)
You better let the CAUSE web love, before it's too late.