If Only P were greater

Lyrics copyright by Denise Tran
may sing to the tune of "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)" (Patrick Monahan, Robert Hotchkiss, James Stafford, Scott Underwood, and Charlie Colin)

Backed by evidence, I've made a new guess
My alternative hypothesis, hey--
I thought you said you still loved me too
But I've rejected this null, it just ain't true, hey--
Why do I care for you when I've
Found the p-value is less than point-oh-five, hey-- hey--

But tell me, is there practical relevance
To stop reaching out to you?
Though statistical significance,
A circumstance unlikely due to chance

Tells me, I don't mean much to you
And there's nothing left to do
Sometimes the difference seems small at best
Should I run another test?

Well if p is low, I guess null must go
Although I'd much prefer Ho to stay--
But the chances you feel the way I do
Are under five percent (wish it wasn't true), hey--
If my results are right, I'm not quite sure
Perhaps I made a Type I error? hey-- hey--

But tell me, to stop reaching out to you,
Is there practical relevance?
Though statistical significance,
A circumstance unlikely due to chance

Tells me, I don't mean that much to you
And there's nothing left to do
I feel the difference is small at best
Maybe I'll run another test?

Could you imagine no Type I error,
Saying things are out of place and the feelings are gone
Even when they're really not

Could you imagine if p was really high
And I did not have to question
The significance of the results
Or your love for me

Tell me, does significance mean a thing?
If there exists another possibility
I'll need some new hypotheses

And tell me, is there practical relevance?
Between results I'd expect from null
And those I actually got
Is the difference smaller than I thought?

Tell me, 'cause I'm not so sure
If I made a Type I error
Feelin' so lonely, guess,
I'll need to make another test

Maybe I made a Type I error
Should I still reject Ho?
Still reject Ho?
Or maybe I should set my alpha at less than point-oh-five


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